I am PTSD. I wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat that makes me shiver. The scream still escaping my lips as the memory of my past lingers in my tortured mind. I live with constant fear of shame and guilt as I try desperately to hide my thoughts and emotions from others. I feel like I have no control as my mind takes on a power of its own and try as hard as I can, I can't change it. I am frustrated at my lack of self-control as I earnestly attempt to control my environment and everyone in it. This causes relationship problems as I try to defend and explain my actions in terms that neither bring healing or clarity to the ones I love the most and hurt the most. I feel like I am pushing against a locomotive that is gaining momentum and behind me is my family watching me fail to stop it. At times I am so tired of fighting against the dark thoughts of pain and death that I want to lay down and disappear. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live either. I feel like others would be better off without me, and yet...not. So I live knowing I will never be good enough.
I am Abandonment. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I live daily filled with feelings of guilt and shame. I want to be enough for you so that you would want to be with me, but the evidence is too great as I watch you slip away. I want to scream at you "Please Love Me!" but the thought never leaves my mind and stays silent within me. I want the pain to stop, so I cut, drink, or rob a bank. I don't care what happens to me because I feel no one cares. I am desperate for love and like a dry sponge would do anything to soak up even a drop of it. I sit alone in my room praying that you will call or walk through the door. The silence is torture to me as I wait knowing you won't come, but hoping you will.
"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure,
so that we despaired of life itself..." II Corinthians 1:8
Trauma comes in all forms and is far too familiar to most of us. Can you see the common thread of false guilt and shame that permeates in these two types of trauma. You don't see what caused it, but you see the results. If you see yourself in either of these scenarios, please reach out and get help. You don't have to suffer in silence. You can have healing from this pain. We can't stop what happened to you, but we can help you recover from it. Trauma lives in the darkness, let us bring you light.
"Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God."
John 3:20-21 NIV