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That's Courage


Are you an addict? Do you know someone who is? Are you related to that addict, friends with them, or in love with them? Are you giving them money, emotional support, a place to crash when they fall off the wagon? Are you enabling their behavior by giving them a soft place to land?

Then you are part of the problem, not the solution.

The enabling codependent

When you are focused on the negative behaviors of another, you are not looking at what you are doing to contribute to their behaviors. You think you are giving them love. You think you are helping. When they don't respond the way you want, you think you are a victim. When you blame them, hurt them, even cause them harm, you are doing exactly what they believe you will do: judge them, blame them, hurt them. You are addicted to the control, the desire to be needed, and the desire to be seen as better than you know in your heart you are. You think, "If they would only....change...I could be... happy, content, even feel loved." And when they don't change, it's not your fault that you don't feel those things that you so desperately want. It's their fault. So, you go back to the same pattern over and over again trying to control the other's choices, their behaviors, their patterns even while remaining one of the components that prevents the other from true change.

How change happens.

You must change you and stop focusing on the other.

You have to let go of trying to

catch

save

heal

motivate

change

...them.

You have to let them

trip

stumble

fall

fail

and sadly, sometimes they

die.

You have to let them suffer the consequences of their choices. If you are the pillow that keeps them from hitting rock bottom, YOU suffer the consequences for their choices, not them. You are motivated, not them. You want the pain to stop so you do everything you can to stop the pain...not them.

If you want to see real and lasting change...let go and let God.

God, grant me the...

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer

You can't force someone to come to the end of themselves. They must do it on their own.

You can't want someone to change more than they want it themselves.

You ONLY can be available for them WHEN they determine it's time to change.

They have to ask for help.

They have to do the work.

They have to change on their terms, at their time, in their manner.

Where is God in recovery?

They have to ask for God to come into their life.

You can pray for them, ask God to guide them, ask that God continue to love them even when they are unlovable, ask God to help you let go, remain lovable to an unlovable person, and believe God will grant you what you ask.

“Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask,

believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."

Matthew 11:24

That takes courage.

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