Children are innocent victims of the bad behaviors of their parents. Over the past decade so many adult decisions have negatively impacted children and no one is noticing the connection or how the children have become the identified patient. When someone brings in a child for therapy, they are usually the "identified patient" because of their negative behaviors that the parent does not want to, or doesn't know how to deal with. But seldom does the parent come in asking for the skills to work with their child. Usually, they just want the therapist to "fix" their child so they don't have to figure it out. The majority of the time the parent is the problem not the child. If the parent is unwilling to look at what they are doing to contribute to the problems showing up in the child, the therapist will have a hard time showing the child why they should change.
Consider the negative behaviors of the parent:
They focus on their own needs and the child's needs are never considered.
They make decisions that impact the child, but they never listen to their child's complaints.
Parents express openly their emotions, have explosive tempers, yell, scream, and storm out of the house leaving the child to cope with the experience alone. Then wonder why the child does the same.
They demean, criticize, and slander the child, and seldom, if ever, say, "I love you. You are special. I'm so happy you are in my life. What a blessing you are to me."
They focus on the negative and don't mention or even notice the positives in their child.
They can't wait for the child to reach adulthood, so they push them into independence before they are ready.
They don't prepare them for their future and wonder why they "don't grow up."
The parents lie, cheat, steal, and have poor character, but will point out the child's character flaws.
One or both parents abandon the child (emotionally, financially, or physically), and the child feels the blame.
From the child's perspective, life sucks. They don't know why they were born into a family that does not act like they want them there. So they cut, do drugs and drink to numb the pain, and some will even take their lives rather than live in a home where they are not wanted.
When did adults stop loving the children and begin to see them as a burden? Why has the blessing of being a parent become like a weed that must be plucked out of the garden of life? When did we become such a selfish society intent on having nothing to live for other than selfish pleasure? What will happen to those individuals when they are older and have no legacy to leave and no loved ones to care for them? Society can not grow without children and will eventually become extinct. The children are not the problem-the adults are.
How to change the behaviors of your child - start with your own behaviors.
When adults behave well they are an example to their children.
When adults have good character they are teaching the children through their actions, not just their words.
When the adults follow their own advice, direction, and correction, the child learns consequences.
When the adults respect their children and set boundaries, their children will understand boundaries.
When adults teach positives that are designed for the benefit of the child and stop using children for their own selfish ambitions, children will feel appreciated.
When adults listen instead of telling children what to think, how to think, and how to act, children will feel heard.
When adults show self control, children learn self-control.
When parents show their children tenderness, they will feel loved.
If you want your children to improve their behaviors, take a closer look at the life you lead. Are you smoking pot, drinking alcohol, using profanity in front of your kids? Are you fighting with your spouse and ripping them apart in the process? Are you screaming at the world your displeasure? Then your children will do the same. Don't blame them for becoming you when you are the example they have to learn from.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Psalm 27:10