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Suffer Well

Recently, a friend and I were talking about all the hateful language that is being used to attack everyone who is in disagreement. California is being intentionally polarized into two positions and the hate and disdain for "the other side" is pathetic. The saddest thing I believe is that there is no effort to communicate compromise or find any resolution to what is the "perceived" problems. They don't want to solve anything - they only want to spew hatred. It doesn't matter what the facts are, the feelings matter most and you MUST agree with my feelings or your out: out of my house, out of my life, just OUT!

"If you let anger get the best of you,

it will reveal the worst of you."

With my clients I explain that without a willingness to seek solutions they are guaranteed to continue fighting. They must want their relationship to get better. I also know that some people don't want therapy because they feel they don't have the problem, the OTHER person does. One person yells the things the other does that bothers them. The one being accused defends against the attack and ultimately gives up saying therapy doesn't work. Therapy is only as good as the people engaged in it. The world right now could use some therapy. We have lost empathy, compassion and caring, and have instead acquiesced to those seeking power, money, and absolution. People are exhausted at the constant hate and false allegations lacking any evidence to support the accusers position. People are being called hate-filled names and lives are being destroyed all in the name of "social justice." Many people are coming to counseling because of the anxiety and depression that this era of hate has brought and are asking what they can do to change any of this. I say there is a lot you can do! You have the right to choose and until that right is taken away you can make a decision to live a life empowered by knowing you have more control over your life than you believe you do.

No one is making you feel angry, resentful, and discouraged without your permission. If you listen to the news every day, take a week off and see how much better you feel. Much of what is causing you and your children negative emotions is being allowed into your home and your minds by watching the news. Remember, the news, social media, and politicians NEED you to be scared, worried, and wondering what is coming next. They WANT you to fixate and obsess so they feed you things to make you fearful. When you are afraid, you are weak and easily manipulated. The more fear you have, the more you watch. The more you watch, the more they feed you things to keep your afraid. This cycle of negative energy is more than your psyche can handle and so you get anxious. When you can't solve the nation's problems you get discouraged and depressed. The more depressed you get the less likely you are to leave your home, isolate, and the more you'll rely on the news and social media for your information. Constant problems without solutions pour into your mind and your mind needs to have answers and resolution in order to have peace. But, the ones feeding you the fear don't want resolution as solving the problem means no more fear, no more fixation on the news, and no more money for the ones promoting the fear. When you give into the fear and obsess over the news you are giving them permission to abuse you. They want you to suffer and suffer well. The good news, you don't have to take it.

I was talking with someone recently who beat himself up for years in a marriage that he could never please his wife. She constantly criticized, belittled, and humiliated him in front of friends and family. She demanded his compliance to her every wish and acted as if she were a victim when he could not meet her every demand. When they came to therapy he was beaten down, weary, and confused. When she refused to return to therapy because she didn't want to change, he was left with an option to come alone, and he did. A year later his self-esteem was elevated, he was making choices that improved his life. His feelings of anxiety and depression were eliminated and he was living his life with purpose and joy. When I asked him, "What has changed?" He simply replied, "I don't let her abuse me anymore."


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