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Best Friends

Women come to therapy looking for marriage and relationship advice. They express frustration, fear, and confusion about the man they are with. They do not understand, nor do they want to take the time to understand them, but they will criticize, undermine, and blame their man for their unhappiness. The truth is, most women don't understand Men. Men are simple to understand and have very few demands.

Men want 3 things in a relationship:

sex, food, and a purpose.

Sex is what most women lead with yet they don't understand it's more than the mechanics. A relationship needs a foundation of kindness, encouragement, and finally, desire. Men need food. There used to be a saying, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Most men want someone who will cook for them the way their momma did. When a woman pours time and attention to preparing a meal, most men appreciate the effort. And men need a purpose. Some men find their purpose in their career, their hobbies, or their relationships. Few men find their purpose in their family and even fewer find their purpose in the appearance of their home. Yet this is the first place women complain about. They nag, nag, nag, that they do not have a partner in the home, help with the chores, or get support raising the children. Most men want their woman to be proud of them and to be their best friend first.

Here's an example of how being a little more like a best friend can make great changes in the home:

A couple came in for relationship therapy. She spent 45 minutes complaining how he does not help her out around the house and with raising their four children. Her husband sat passively watching as she wrote on the white board a list of chores that she does during the week. He was given an opportunity to write his contribution and he said, "I do whatever she asks me to do." She said she asks, begs, and pleads for his help and he's always too busy, tired, or not interested and puts her off. After a couple weeks of listening to her complain he declined to come to therapy. I told the wife, "Now we can get serious," and I asked her some questions, "When your husband comes home from work, what would his best friend do?" She said, "He'd probably give him a beer." I asked, "Then what would his best friend do? She said, "They'd watch sports together." I said, "Would they talk?" She said, "Maybe to ask for another beer." Then, I gave her some very specific directions, "Take the kids to your mom's house for the night. Go shopping for some sexy lingerie. When he walks through the door, have your old ratty robe covering the sexy lingerie. Hand him an ice cold beer, give him a kiss, and without saying a word, turn on the sports channel. DO NOT TURN ON THE NEWS. Sit quietly next to him and watch what he does, but do not respond. Then, when he's finished his first beer, get him another, but as you approach, let just a hint of the lingerie peek out, then when you're sure he's noticed, cover it again. When he is paying more attention to you than he is the game, initiate making love to him." The wife looked at me like I was insane. I said, "Do this every night for a week and tell me what happens." Two days later she called and said she did not need to return to therapy because, "He's been mowing the lawn, painting the house, and taking care of the kids."

Women, be your man's best friend and he'll lay the world at your feet.


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