Have you ever be in constant conflict with someone who believes they are 100% correct and you are 100% incorrect? Have you fought against that perspective with all your might, only to be left hurt, frustrated, and without resolution? Does it appear that the other person only wants to talk about their "feelings" and can't see things logically? In some cases this is exactly true.
One client said to me that they feel their child is, "Living unconsciously," as they only follow their heart and don't use their brain for logical decision making. I share with my clients who are in constant battle with a spouse or a child that sometimes it's about the battle more than it's about the reason for the fight. If you look at the "emotions behind the battle" it's very telling what is REALLY going on.
Think of your body as having two brains. No, not the right brain, left brain, even though that does add to the situation, but think of your heart having a "brain." Stay with me for a minute...You've heard that the head brain has a "logical side" and an "emotional side," right? Well, what if your heart has a "brain" also and that brain has influence in your head brains decisions?
The bible spoke about the heart brain concept over 2000 years ago;
9Then you will discern righteousness and justice
And equity and every good course.
10For wisdom will enter your heart
And knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
11Discretion will guard you,
Understanding will watch over you, Proverbs 2:9-11
Often when we have been wounded, we say, "It hurts my heart..." Well, that is the painful "memories" that are the hardest to logically talk about or find resolution for because they don't make "sense." We don't know why we feel the way we feel, we just FEEL that way. Your heart "thoughts" make perfect sense to you because you are receiving and perceiving them through processing them in your "emotional side" of your head brain, which is receptive to the emotional components of thinking, but you have no way to process it through the "logical side" of your head brain where things make "sense." This is where you need another brain, one not involved in your conflict or your feelings, who can help you process through the emotions in order to reach a place of understanding.
You've heard it said, "The heart wants what it wants," and that is perfectly true, even if what the heart wants is dysfunction and conflict in order to FEEL connection. They say the opposite of love is hate, but the truth is that is not the worse thing you could experience: Indifference aka Rejection is the opposite of love. When we have someone treat us with indifference they reject who we are, to our very soul, and it permanently wounds our heart. And because of this, we have difficulty understanding why anyone would reject us. We ruminate and obsess over what is wrong with US, and we look for what we need to fix in us, so that others won't reject us. Children of abuse who have a wounded heart because of their parents rejection will almost always seek connection before understanding because of the wounds in their hearts. Remember, negative attention is still attention and connection. When those children grow up, they repeat that process of connection in their adult relationships (in unresolved conflict) in order to FEEL loved. Sadly, the adult wounded child experiences repeated rejection (intentional or perceived) more deeply than someone who did not feel rejection as a child as that rejection affirms that something is "wrong" with them. Through the process of healing the wounded heart, the adult child can live a life with less conflict, gaining wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.
If you would like to learn more about the heart/brain connection, contact Encouragers Counseling & Training Centers and we will match you with a heart specialist who can speak to your needs and move you from the unconscious to consciousness.