Most people are living in a constant state of stress are existing in a survival state 70% of the time. They think and react to emotions that drive subconscious behaviors that become their existence, and wonder why they do what they do. Most decisions made from a place of fear are not intentional as they are driven by our emotions. When we make intentional choices we are making decisions logically.
Fear often leads us to assume the thoughts of another person. We try to meet their unspoken needs without them even saying a word. We might pick up on some negative energy, or a look, or body language that reminds us of another person, place, or time when we failed to meet someone's expectations and that resulted in negative consequences.
There are many problems when we attempt to meet someone's unspoken need. First, you don't know for certain if this is really a need of theirs. Secondly, you don't know if it's what they are needing from you right now. If you try to meet a need they are not expecting you to meet, it can feel controlling and manipulative. Here are a couple examples of this improper means of communication:
In an effort to end the discomfort of conflict-During the argument is not the time to give flowers, money, or other "gifts." When you try to bribe someone to make you feel better, you are only delaying the argument that will keep coming around as the other person attempts to find answers. Deflection, anger, and avoidance may stop the conflict for a time, but only for a time. Resolving and solving the problem once and for all is the only way to stop a reoccurring argument.
When we have assumed expectations (for ourselves or others) we must realize it is our assumption alone. You will act on what you think and believe then feel hurt when the communication fails. Sometimes we react like the other person made you do (or feel) a certain way, and now the disappointed and anger you feel is their "fault."
Often in conflict, we will push back, resist, and deflect against the other person's position, or we become defensive of our own position. When you go back and recap what happened, you might feel you had "good intentions," but they were given freely. You gave not to meet the other person's need, but to meet your own needs: the need for peace, connection, and appreciation, and when you didn't get it, you became angry and resentful.
What does conflict look like that is resolved intentionally?
You have a feeling someone is upset with you because you are being triggered by their words, their actions, a look, or their body language. You realize you have more than one choice to address the question in your mind if they are mad at you. You ask them, "Is everything okay? I'm feeling a weird vibe and I'm not sure if you're upset with me." The other person tells you they have something on their mind and that it has nothing to do with you. You ask if there is something they need from you, "Do you want to talk about it?" They begin to share their concerns and you listen. When they are finished, you give them a hug, encourage them, and offer advice IF they ask. They appreciate you listening, you feel connected, and peace. The other felt heard and was able to verbally process their concern with you. You both had your needs met at the same time because your choice was intentional.
When you focus on something from a place of fear, you will manifest that thing you fear. When you believe in possibility, you will find that manifested in your life. The automatic negative thinking that leads to reactive emotional choices causes most conflict. Our emotions drive poor choices rooted in fears that something bad will happen. In an effort to feel better we make the bad choice, but then the resulting consequences often end in self-fulfilling prophecy where we reinforce the negative thoughts, and the pattern continues to agnosia. Only by stopping the negative thoughts driven by fear, and standing in truth and confidence, and making a decision that is rooted in logical thinking can we make intentional choices.
A wise old owl sat in an oak,
The more he heard, the less he spoke;
The less he spoke, the more he heard;
Why aren't we all like that wise old bird?
Author: Unknown